5 Things You May Experience on the 5R: Straight From a Devoted Muni Rider

5 Things You May Experience on the 5R: Straight From a Devoted Muni Rider

Illustration via Amy Koch

Illustration via Amy Koch

You can almost always count on Muni to be a hot, hot mess. (Especially on those days temperatures reach a record breaking 69 degrees.)

However, with countless stops and endless routes, Muni provides a cheap and truly accessibly opportunity to experience all San Francisco has to offer. Hop on the 22 Fillmore in the Marina after filling up on Margs from Tacolicious, and trek to the land of City College where a McDonald’s will greet you with Chicken Mcnuggs, miles across the city. Every bus route may be different, but never doubt a treasure can be found at each stop along the way. It’s truly a love hate relationship, but undoubtedly a relationship we would be lost without.

The 5 Fulton runs from Ocean Beach down to the beautiful (and cheese filled) Ferry Building, meeting privileged millennials a la USF and pitbull walking, guitar carrying hippy hopefuls in between. It’s a fun commute, it’s a stressful commute,  and it’s sometimes even a hairy commute. But easily one of the best. This is what you could experience along the way:

Scenario 1:

It’s a hot day. 75 degrees-hot, so you very well know what this means. 2 windows are cracked open as wide as can be.  The driver is fanning himself with transfer tickets. An older woman’s perfume is airing itself through the length of the bus: the scent of of your grandma and Popeyes Chicken fill your nose. So fresh, so clean, so... crispy.  A young woman enters the bus with one grocery bag and places it on the bus floor. Slowly, a white substance begins to leak from her bag. After a few seconds the leak turns into a stream, and then into a river. Milk is filling the bus, as her brown bag begins to become soggy. Her eyes widen and she begins to sweat. The milk slowly reaches the back of the bus. The woman hops off and retreats into the Outer Richmond. It is hotter than balls, and we have taken on milk, and there is no going back.
 

Scenario 2:

A small woman, age 50, wearing a bucket hat as if she had just listened to her first SchoolBoy Q song, carries a basket on wheels (you know very well the type). She hits the 5 on a regular basis. She declares to the bus that she has not been to highschool. She throws a newspaper in your face, and tells you she is a spy from China, and knows who you really are. 
 

Scenario 3:

A man next to you is writing an ode to Paul Rudd. The first line is "You know I love you, man."
 

Scenario 4:

You sit alone at the back of the bus. The entire coach is empty, just you and the driver. A man, more than triple your size sits in the seat directly next to you. You have been trapped against the window. I’m sorry, sir?? You immediately text a friend, declaring your hate for this mass of a man, taking over your space. He turns to you, “F**k you and your friend, I’m a person too. I can move if you really don’t like me.” A hot sweat hits your body. You quickly release yourself from his hold. As you trip off the bus at an undisclosed stop he yells, “You’re the prettiest mean girl I’ve ever met.” Looks like you should have gotten his number.
 

Scenario 5:

It’s 5pm and you’re making your way outbound to Ocean Beach. You stand in between the tech bros and social hoes, hoping to make it home safely before being morphed into either. A small noise distracts you from these thoughts. Clip, clip, clip... BAM, you feel a small prick at the corner of your mouth.  A man, sitting to the lower right looks  to you with wide eyes, his bare left foot criss crossed over his knee. A pair of nail clippers gripped in his right hand. You brush the corner of your mouth. A nail. More specifically a toenail, falls from your face. It’s time to invest in a car.


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